Wednesday, September 12, 2012


We all know words have power. We have all, at least once, felt their relief and probably their sting.

But the question is, where does this acknowledged power come from?
Is it the speaker themselves bequeathing it through the words?
Or maybe the listener, receiving the words, (along with their perception of their meaning,) subliminally grants power to them? After all, if someone says something they don't really mean, (and for argument's sake, let's say:) that in turn gives the words less power, can the words not still affect the person to whom they are directed towards?
What I mean to say is, whether the person speaking actually MEANS what they are saying or not, the words themselves still have some innate power.

But the listener, the recipient, I believe, has a higher authority, to decide how the words will affect them.

Initially, I'm sure, harsh words will hurt anyone.
Though after a bit, you can decide what to believe. What is true and real. And what is just... words. You can turn that cold power into something positive- something to fuel you and make you stronger. That is all your decision.
I don't pretend to fully understand our weird social patterns and why we do, say, and think the things we do, say, and think. But words do have a power, even if it's beyond our understanding and reasoning and need to explain. Our part is deciding how that power, that energy in those words, affects us; which direction it will steer us. Whether it pushes us harder and faster down our path, or halts us only for a moment before going back to our intended momentum, or veers us totally off down a winding dark alley, all rests in our choice to let it stick, let it go or let it propel us.

"What do I do with this backpack full of bricks, of sticks and stones and words that stuck to me like ticks?" This songs breathes the question... and DECIDES to let it be. To let go, "brick by brick, we can be free, of all the words we say til we are our own enemy." Because that's exactly what happens when we accept those lies others throw at us. We become exactly what we never wanted to be. We fall short, not in worth, but in potential, between who we are and who we could be. We become our own worst enemy.

So please, whoever you are, I urge you to not let those bricks and sticks and stones weigh you down. Don't let those little shreds of untruths slip inside your soul. Let it go, no matter how long it's been there. Let it be. "...Believe in the person God intended us to be."
The more you drop, the lighter you'll be. The better, the faster, the easier, you can keep on swimming.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Let go and let God

"Then Pilate said to Him, 'Are You not speaking to me? Do You not know that I have power to crucify You, and power to release You?'" (-John 19:10)

Pontius Pilate, with one little word, had the power to decide Jesus' fate. Or so he thought.

Jesus retorts with "You have no power over me except what is given to you from above."

See, Jesus' fate was already decided, and though it sounds kind of terrible for such a God, being full of love, to condemn His Son to death, me, being human, and full of sin, am very glad that it happened. Don't get me wrong, I am deeply saddened when I think what horrors Jesus went through, and even sadder to know it is because of me; because of us. But deep down, I'm very happy. The not-so-secretly-selfish part of me is glad he died, because it was necessary, and without it I wouldn't have life. And besides, it's hard to be sad for the middle of the story when you know the ending; the glorious victory; the marvelous resurrection, the insane twist straight out of a fantasy fiction novel, but so much better, because this is true.

Jesus knew his fate, He knew what the all-powerful Father held in store for Him, and He faced it head-on without hesitation, simply because it was the will of God.

If we really "let go and let God," we have to trust He will do the best for us. And it maybe won't look good at first- I mean look at Jesus, he straight up died. But He served a much higher purpose than His human efforts on Earth ever could have, AND he went beyond death and really actually PHYSICALLY rose from the grave, before going on to eternal life in heaven with El Padre. If that's not a happy ending, I don't know what is.

So if we're going to "let God," then truly LET GOD. Let Him have His way and don't worry that it won't work out. He can see the big picture; He knows the best even when it may appear to be the worst.

I need to remember this sometimes.
Or rather, a lot of times.
Life is almost never as bad as we make it out to be.
If the closer we get to Him, the more we let go of the weight we carry around, the more we have to trust Him with our entire life and realize we're not in control. That's almost always the hardest thing for me; I like to do things my way, how I like to do them, independently in control of my situations. And maybe that could come in handy sometimes, but very rarely does it ever happen that way. It's a hard thing to humble ourselves enough to realize we're not in control of our own life.
There are so many outside forces in the world that can change us in an instant, but if we can trust Him, He can help us live through it, and not let the world rub off on us.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. -Psalm 56:3

And we have such trust through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, -2 Corinthians 3:4-5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  -Proverbs 3:5-6

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Cut Up

I wrote this poem a long time ago, just on a whim, not really out of an experience- I'm good at role-playing. (;
But now that I have an experience, it means so much more. It's truer than ever now.


Cut Up

You broke my heart, and I'm afraid of it cutting my insides.
I'm terrified of it slicing my lungs so I can't breathe.
I'm horrified it might chop up my stomach so I can't eat.
You've made me a danger to myself;
A hazard to my own health.

You broke my heart, and I'm afraid of it cutting my insides.
I'm frightened of a sharp edge shredding my nerves 
and making me a hopeless wreck.
I'm petrified a stray shard will pierce through my skin and cause me 
to bleed out to an empty crisp shell.

So many things this weapon you've created 
could destroy inside of me.
But, although my heart is not fully intact, 
my brain is, and is functioning;

It's reminding my eyes to look around and see the beautiful world awaiting me.
It's teaching my ears to love the music I once cherished.
It's cuing my lungs to keep inhaling critical oxygen into my system.
It's promising my stomach that food will keep coming and ensuring my mouth keeps it.
It's soothing my nerves with words of wisdom and a couple NSAIDs.
It's swearing to my skin that it will be free of self-inflicted wounds and never a dry shell.

It's helping my heart to stagger forth a steady beat
and assuring it that time will come to heal it's jagged edges.

You broke my heart.
But I refuse to let it cut up my insides.


Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Happy Middle.

well... it's been an interesting week.
Last Sunday, I got DUMPED.
Annnddd, as you know if you have ever been dumped, it sucks.
...I'm trying not to be too cliche about it.

At first, I was mostly angry. I didn't really understand the reasoning behind the breakup, and to me it came out of nowhere. Honestly, I was trying to push all of my feelings to MAD, so I didn't have to just feel crappy. And stupid. But then that came too. It was all in the ignorance of it, if only I understood what really had happened, maybe I could feel better, get closure or something. But I asked, and nothing changed. I didn't find out anything new really, but I did say some things I felt I needed to say. Still felt mostly like crap though.

But then I realized it's okay to hurt. And it will take a while for it to go away, but I don't have to mope about and wait to feel totally 100% better to go on with my life. So I got my heart broken, big deal, it happens to everyone. I refuse to sit around and wait for it to break more. Besides, my heart has a huge portion with everything else contained inside of it that is separate from him. And that part didn't break. Only that little part did. But that's okay.

There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.
-Shel Silverstein

And, oh, my middle was happy.... And my start? Very happy too.
It is the end, but not the end of all.

Now, a gem of a song that has continued to ring true, especially through this week.
"I don't want to battle from beginning to end.
I don't want to cycle or recycle revenge,
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends."

So I move one. I hope for better. Later. I forgive.
I just... keep swimming.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

KONY2012. what's it to ya??

So. This whole Kony 2012 stuff that everyone and their grandma has been posting all over Facebook and everyyythinng....

{quick fill in if you somehow have no idea what I'm talking about.
Basically, Joseph Kony is the leader of a violent rebel group called the LRA, who abducts children and forces them to fight, even kill their own families, and uses girls as sex slaves, all to "advance and keep power." They plague central Africa and were at some point, primarily in Uganda....
Horrid of horrors right? There is a video for a campaign to "Stop Kony" in the year 2012... }

Well, I didn't really understand all the hype at first. The first time I saw the link to the video, (or should I say about 10 links,) I also saw links to articles against the campaign, and the organization, Invisible Children, ~here out known as "IC"~ And to be perfectly honest, that is probably the only reason I was originally wary of the whole idea.

The video itself, Kony 2012, is in all reality pretty good. It's well made, with a good blend of the scary-stuff to make your heart ache, and the rally stuff to inspire you. It gives the vibe of an everyday-kinda-guy who has a perfectly adorable, very innocent, son who has the simplest of all answers to solve the horrors of Kony's reign, "Stop him." Oh yeah and the dude also has a big vision to make a difference.
As I was watching it, I kept thinking of the Vietnam war and all the hippie-protests for that and how awesome it would be for this generation to rise up against such a horrible injustice.

Then there's the articles against IC, and because I believe in knowing the whole story, especially when there's so many sides to it as with this story, I read quite a few. And believe me, these, weren't (at least not all,) hate blogs. They were very logical explanations and view points on why Invisible Children & Kony 2012 was a cause they were just not willing to support.
They consisted of many things,
-Improper use of funds by the IC,
-IC not getting their facts completely laid out when talking about the LRA's current location, and being "too late," that Kony wasn't such a threat anymore because he's hiding out possibly starving somewhere in the jungle, (to which I say, where does it matter where he is? I'm sure he's not oblivious to the raising awareness about his deeds and who's to say he won't suddenly come out of hiding and rise up again?

Well, you all can make your own decision about whether or not Invisible Children is a reputable organization and all that jazz,
But what really makes an imprint on me is Ugandan people themselves, a lot of them are not very fond of this campaign, they feel it makes Africa out to be the typical "in need" place,
"OH the great western hero is swooping in to save the poor Africans who can't save themselves,"
When in fact, there is apparently quite a bit of current stability. Take a look at this which has a video of a very well spoken young woman from Uganda who really seems quite offended by this whole deal.


That's when I realized that it's not about the organizations, the blogs, the facebook groups. It's about bringing a horrible man to justice and letting so many people who've been horribly affected by him and the LRA, rest easy. Be at peace with the fact that they can't get them anymore... I realized that's the real goal.
People say, "There's so many other more prominent problems going on in Uganda other than the LRA... what about Nodding Disease?" WELL, when you start up an organization to combat Nodding Disease, (which is no doubt a serious issue,) let me know, and I will research it as much as I did this and probably support it. But until then, why not focus our attention on this issue? I would much rather see REAL things like this all over the media, as opposed to normally trendy things, like Kim Kardashian's wedding...

As for Invisible Children themselves as an organization, they seem ok to me, but I don't want to endorse or denote them.

But are you in it for now? Because you care, but once it's over you can go back to normal life? Or is this something you want to commit to, and really get involved... You decide.

~~~ If you don't like IC, here are some links to other charities combating child soldiery.
SOS Children's Villages
International Rescue Commitee
Save The Children

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day yadah-yaduh

First off, I have not posted in ALMOST AN ENTIRE YEAR. What the poo, right?? Sorry to all of my FIVE FOLLOWERS about that. I know you seriously had a hole in your life where my blog had been ;) I am making a seriously belated New Year's resolution to start blogging loads more.

Today is Valentine's Day, the "day of love" ... dia de amor right?
Well I've been thinking all day and for the past few days actually,
how most of us automatically think of romantic type love as the resident love for Valentine's Day;
you know, the flowers, the chocolate, the cheesy hallmark card you could never write. The pressure to find the "perfect gift" for your significant other. [Most] single people whining, and constantly emphasizing how much they hate Valentine's Day and how pointless it is... There's all that material junk but aside from that, (which I could have a whole other rant about) I don't see why we just automatically think of romantic human love as the only love that counts on Valentine's Day! This shallow love that we rely so much on is not the only love there is.

{{before I go any further, let me just say, I'm not another bitter single person trying to find the perfect excuse for "being alone" on Valentine's, I actually have an amazing boyfriend of six months (today!:) *happy dance*}} BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT.

And yes, if you are truly in love with someone, by all means, go all out for them for Valentine's Day, whether that means flowers & jewelry or a mix CD or a trip to the Grand Canyon, for you and your other half, I don't know; whatever floats your boat.

But I can't help feeling like everyone is missing a HUGE point, (single or not) by ignoring all other kinds of love! What about everyone else that loves you!? Your best friend, your mom, your siblings, that kid you babysit, your dog (or cat!)
And not to mention the most incredible lover of all; GOD! He is the only One who will never ever ever leave you. (by the way, Him being always there has nothing to do with YOUR doubt.) His love is more pure, perfect and UNconditional than any of us broken weak humans could ever fathom. And that love remains no matter what you've done, or if you "don't believe in Him" .... that's what UNCONDITIONAL means.

So on this day that can seem crazy, sometimes nauseating and yes, very materialistic, don't forget about REAL love.
Have a great day and go have fun with EVERYONE you love.