Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Let go and let God

"Then Pilate said to Him, 'Are You not speaking to me? Do You not know that I have power to crucify You, and power to release You?'" (-John 19:10)

Pontius Pilate, with one little word, had the power to decide Jesus' fate. Or so he thought.

Jesus retorts with "You have no power over me except what is given to you from above."

See, Jesus' fate was already decided, and though it sounds kind of terrible for such a God, being full of love, to condemn His Son to death, me, being human, and full of sin, am very glad that it happened. Don't get me wrong, I am deeply saddened when I think what horrors Jesus went through, and even sadder to know it is because of me; because of us. But deep down, I'm very happy. The not-so-secretly-selfish part of me is glad he died, because it was necessary, and without it I wouldn't have life. And besides, it's hard to be sad for the middle of the story when you know the ending; the glorious victory; the marvelous resurrection, the insane twist straight out of a fantasy fiction novel, but so much better, because this is true.

Jesus knew his fate, He knew what the all-powerful Father held in store for Him, and He faced it head-on without hesitation, simply because it was the will of God.

If we really "let go and let God," we have to trust He will do the best for us. And it maybe won't look good at first- I mean look at Jesus, he straight up died. But He served a much higher purpose than His human efforts on Earth ever could have, AND he went beyond death and really actually PHYSICALLY rose from the grave, before going on to eternal life in heaven with El Padre. If that's not a happy ending, I don't know what is.

So if we're going to "let God," then truly LET GOD. Let Him have His way and don't worry that it won't work out. He can see the big picture; He knows the best even when it may appear to be the worst.

I need to remember this sometimes.
Or rather, a lot of times.
Life is almost never as bad as we make it out to be.
If the closer we get to Him, the more we let go of the weight we carry around, the more we have to trust Him with our entire life and realize we're not in control. That's almost always the hardest thing for me; I like to do things my way, how I like to do them, independently in control of my situations. And maybe that could come in handy sometimes, but very rarely does it ever happen that way. It's a hard thing to humble ourselves enough to realize we're not in control of our own life.
There are so many outside forces in the world that can change us in an instant, but if we can trust Him, He can help us live through it, and not let the world rub off on us.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. -Psalm 56:3

And we have such trust through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, -2 Corinthians 3:4-5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  -Proverbs 3:5-6

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Cut Up

I wrote this poem a long time ago, just on a whim, not really out of an experience- I'm good at role-playing. (;
But now that I have an experience, it means so much more. It's truer than ever now.


Cut Up

You broke my heart, and I'm afraid of it cutting my insides.
I'm terrified of it slicing my lungs so I can't breathe.
I'm horrified it might chop up my stomach so I can't eat.
You've made me a danger to myself;
A hazard to my own health.

You broke my heart, and I'm afraid of it cutting my insides.
I'm frightened of a sharp edge shredding my nerves 
and making me a hopeless wreck.
I'm petrified a stray shard will pierce through my skin and cause me 
to bleed out to an empty crisp shell.

So many things this weapon you've created 
could destroy inside of me.
But, although my heart is not fully intact, 
my brain is, and is functioning;

It's reminding my eyes to look around and see the beautiful world awaiting me.
It's teaching my ears to love the music I once cherished.
It's cuing my lungs to keep inhaling critical oxygen into my system.
It's promising my stomach that food will keep coming and ensuring my mouth keeps it.
It's soothing my nerves with words of wisdom and a couple NSAIDs.
It's swearing to my skin that it will be free of self-inflicted wounds and never a dry shell.

It's helping my heart to stagger forth a steady beat
and assuring it that time will come to heal it's jagged edges.

You broke my heart.
But I refuse to let it cut up my insides.


Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Happy Middle.

well... it's been an interesting week.
Last Sunday, I got DUMPED.
Annnddd, as you know if you have ever been dumped, it sucks.
...I'm trying not to be too cliche about it.

At first, I was mostly angry. I didn't really understand the reasoning behind the breakup, and to me it came out of nowhere. Honestly, I was trying to push all of my feelings to MAD, so I didn't have to just feel crappy. And stupid. But then that came too. It was all in the ignorance of it, if only I understood what really had happened, maybe I could feel better, get closure or something. But I asked, and nothing changed. I didn't find out anything new really, but I did say some things I felt I needed to say. Still felt mostly like crap though.

But then I realized it's okay to hurt. And it will take a while for it to go away, but I don't have to mope about and wait to feel totally 100% better to go on with my life. So I got my heart broken, big deal, it happens to everyone. I refuse to sit around and wait for it to break more. Besides, my heart has a huge portion with everything else contained inside of it that is separate from him. And that part didn't break. Only that little part did. But that's okay.

There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.
-Shel Silverstein

And, oh, my middle was happy.... And my start? Very happy too.
It is the end, but not the end of all.

Now, a gem of a song that has continued to ring true, especially through this week.
"I don't want to battle from beginning to end.
I don't want to cycle or recycle revenge,
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends."

So I move one. I hope for better. Later. I forgive.
I just... keep swimming.